It's too bright to hear.

As my co-worker tells us a story, he notices another co-worker making a funny face at him. 

"Sorry, I couldn't hear you," she says. 

But she was squinting! he responds.

"Ha," interjects another co-worker. "She was squinting to hear you."

"What? Sorry, it's too bright in here, I can't hear you."

The story of how I let my best friend into her own house.

I went over to my best friend's house the other night, but she wasn't home yet. Her father saw me sitting outside and let me in, so I texted her and told her that I was on her couch. 

A little while later, I hear a car pull up in her driveway. Her footsteps. Clink clink. She's pulled out her keys. Cliiink. Clink? Clink. She's struggling to unlock her door. SighKnock knock. "...Tiffany?" 

"Welcome home!" I say as I open the door to let her in. 

"As ironic as it is to have you let me into my own home..."

Work

Our supervisor at work told us today that our hours would be docked by HR, and we were not allowed to work more than an allotted number of hours--therefore we would get paid less. 

"Time to sell my view camera." One of my co-workers comments. 

"Time to sell my body." Another co-worker responds.

Our Futures.

"What are going to do with your future?" My friend asks a recently graduated alumni.

"Well..." She sighs. "I just bought a Playstation 3--"

IKEA chairs.

I assisted a photographer on a photoshoot for which he bought an IKEA table and chair to assemble as props. 

Table? No problem. 

But when we got to the chair, we absolutely could not put it together. After struggling to figure out how everything fit together, we spent another ten minutes trying to insert two screws into the underside of the chair, with no luck. 

And so we call over an instructor who was doing a photoshoot a few sets away from us. He puts in both screws in less than two minutes. 

"You know what we learned today? We'd be the worst newlyweds ever."

High paying jobs

I watched an upperclassman of mine struggle to apply toothpaste to a toothbrush for one of his shots. He sighed and looked up at me, "As of today, I'm sure that toothpaste styling must be a highly paid occupation."

You can only imagine how much difficulty he was having squeezing toothpaste onto a toothbrush.

Chopsticks

After creating quite the surprise in my class by eating chips with chopsticks, my friend gently asks, "Tiffany...I don't mean to be racist, but do you own any forks in your house, or only chopsticks?" 

Yes, I do own forks. 

But the ratio of pairs of chopsticks to forks is around 4:1. 

Meanwhile, where the grass is greener...

My best friend and I finally have the talk most people have been having--where do we move to if Trump becomes president? 

1. She says Canada. 

I'd rather get off the continent entirely.

"But..." she smiles at me. "The Canadian prime minister is cute!"

2. I hear Switzerland is a good place to go. 

"I don't like Swiss cheese." She says, adamantly. 

3. Japanese countryside? 

"Mountain or plains?"

Mountains are nice, I nod. 

"If we're talking about mountains, then let's go for the Hokkaido region. They have good ice cream."

 

I'd say we have some good options on our hands.

Naughty Child.

As I sit on one of the couches at my school, I hear the sounds of a baby crying down the hall. Just moments later, my classmate comes into sight, pushing a baby carriage. He frowns and looks down at the carriage, reaching a hand into the carriage and spanking the child. "Shh!"

He continues his walk down the hallway, as we gawk at him and the baby carriage having nothing inside but his phone, playing sounds of a crying baby.

I'm allergic.

As my classmate explains his fine art project to a friend, a commercial-focused friend starts sneezing nearby and turns to me frowning, "I'm allergic to bullshit."

Chocolate Milk

"Are you cold?" My friend asks my on the way home from our photoshoot. "Are you tired? Do you want some chocolate milk?"

"Why do you have chocolate milk?" Our other friend asks.

"Why don't you have chocolate milk?"

 

I thought it was the most inspiring thing I'd heard all day.

"Geshundeit" in other words

I have always been told that my sneeze sounds like a dog being stepped on. 

My friends know that well, and upon my last photoshoot with one of my friends, I turn away from him to sneeze. When I turn back around he sings quietly--so quietly I almost missed it--"Who Let the Dogs Out."

Well, woof.