A+ in Math

Setting: Spring 2020, right before bedtime

My mother asked me, “How old is your little cousin?”

“He was born in 2000.”

“So he’s 22?”

“Where are you getting this number from?" What’s 20 minus 0?”

“…He’s not 22?”

Secret Menu

Fast food chains and family restaurants should have a secret menu item called the “Picky Kid.” Imagine how much easier it would be to order food if you didn’t have to go through the list of 10,000+ items your picky kid does not want on a burger, and instead order just bread and meat with two words.

Statistics

My (happily married) professor told me that 50% of marriages end in divorce.

The other 50% ends in death.

Adoption, Siblings, Same Thing

My cousin is planning to adopt a dog despite his mother's little objections. I tell him to just bring home a dog without asking and she won't be able to object.

He responds, “Exactly! Just like she did when she brought home my siblings.”

Priorities

I saw a news broadcast the other day.

“This year so far, at least x number of children have died from being left in hot cars,” it said. Its solution? “We would like to suggest to parents to leave their phone, laptop, or briefcase in their backseat as a reminder to check their backseat and not forget anything in their hot cars.”

Because it’s so easy to forget your kid in your car and not your phone.

Attitude

My rabbit angrily thumped her foot.

“Excuse me young lady, don't use that tone of foot with me.”

Da Capo

“Don't repeat yourself. It's not only repetitive, it's redundant, and people have heard it before.”

-Lemony Snicket

Avocados and cats

“If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.”

-Lemony Snicket

BOGO

My older cousin complained that he was tasked with taking care of his younger siblings. His mother argues that he was supposed to help out.

“It doesn’t work that way!” he argued, “It’s not raise-one-get-two-free!”

Secret Keeping

I revealed to my significant other a secret about a habit of mine that only my mother knows the truth about.

“Well now that I know your dark secret, you have to marry me,” he says.

“Or you know…kill you. One of the two.”

Autobiographies

On set, a model mentions an imminent, long train trip with her mother.

“I don’t know how you’re going to do it,” one of us remarks. “I mean, I love my mother, but…”

We laugh.

“That’s the title of my book,” the model says. “‘I Love My Mother, But…’”

Grave matters

A lot of us fans of all-black clothing find that we used to--or still do--get asked this question when going out in our dark garb: whose funeral are you attending?

I have found that my best response to this is to look around me, then back at the person with a smile. 

"I haven't decided yet."

Chaos

A family comes to my holiday job, and we ask them for their child's name. 

"Chaos Diablo." 

California Heat

It is two days before Thanksgiving, and the weather has heated up from the past few days of 60-70 degrees Fahrenheit, to 90+ degrees Fahrenheit. 

"No need to go hunt down turkeys," my instructor says. "They're going to keel over themselves from the heat."